Pulling me BACK...

Yesterday was "The Holy Family Day".

Well, i woke up at 1 pm.ahaha. I slept late the night before 'cause I have insomia. So there, I ate my brunch then took a bath and we went to church at 4 pm. When we arrived, my parents and I, we sat at the back of the church 'cause that's only the vacant seat inside the church. When we took our seats, I saw someone. Someone that I really didn't want to see. He was from my past if you know what I mean. We weren't really official because I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend yet so we're just M.U. So yah, I saw him with his whole family seating beside him. My heartbeat was out-of-control. I remembered everything that happened before, it was like a flashback. All the good and the bad memories came into my head. Those memories that I didn't want to remember anymore. But I just can't stop looking at them because they we're just two rows in front of us. I can see his back so clearly even though I am near-sighted. I just can't concentrate during the mass. My mind is so occupied with things, memories, events that I didn't want to remember. I said to myself "ano ka ba?! stop it! he's not worth it! You deserve someone better!" Well, I know that, maybe "hindi pa talaga ako nagigising sa katotohanan!" Also, when I'm almost there, I mean finally moving on, there's something that "pulls me back." Hate it! Like what happened last December 22, 2008.

December 22, 2008:

As always, i woke up late with the same reason..haha.. It's just a typical day. Watch t.v., eat, read books etc. Then, i went online at around 10:30 pm. So there, i just left my YM open while I was editing something on my tita's laptop. Then sudddenly, an IM appeared on my computer. I thought my computer was jammed or something. The name of my ex m.u. appeared on the box. Shoot! I didn't know what to do when I saw his name. I was so confused and shocked because as I can remember, I erased him from my YM list and I had myself appear permanently offline on his YM account. So there, he said my name first then asked me if i wanted to talk to him. I didn't know what to say, I was staring at the computer for 5 minutes.haha. Fortunately, my tita was also inside my room so I asked her for help. I replied, "hey." Then he asked the same question again and asked another one, "gusto mo na bang maayos ang lahat??" I said in reply, "uhm, I don't know?" Then he said, "basta sorry sa lahat and sana naman wala naman nang samaan ng loob, sorry bout wat happen date". I replied, "it's ok..tapos na yun..napatawad na kita.." I was surprised with his reply, "para kcng hindi eh..la lang..nalalabuan din ako eh." Just to be nice, I just said that what happened before, it's all in the past. I said that I'm okay now. He agreed. I asked him, "why do you think so?" He said that he can see that I already have a new guy that's why he concluded that i'm okay now. I replied, " same with you." Then he said, "oi babae sa akin hindi guy." Shoot! He can still afford to make a joke out of it. Anyway, I listened to my tita, that I should end the conversation so it won't look like I was waiting for him. So there I said, "hey, gotta sleep na, maaga pa kami 2m eh." He said, "ok..take care.. God bless =)." For my reply, "tnx, u too =)"

Well, that's the truth, I really don't know if I want "na maayos ang lahat". The first reason: I don't know if I can forgive him with all the "things" that he did. Second reason: Why just now? After 7 months.."Bakit ngayon lang?" Third Reason: The worst part is that I might fall AGAIN.. And I don't want that to happen. I'm much stronger now than before but I don't know If I can still be strong if we'll be friends again..

I just hope & pray that I'll be able to Move On COMPLETELY & START a NEW life.. A life WITHOUT him....